Crossing the Line: Recognising and Managing High Conflict in Relationships
How do you feel about conflict? And what role does it play in your close relationships? Whether that’s with an intimate partner; a parent or child; sibling or other family member or friend or work colleague.
A very common conversation in relationship counselling sessions here at Relate Avon will include some discussion about conflict. Many couples, for example, will say they want to reduce the number of arguments they have but find it difficult to air differences of opinion in a way which gets heard and doesn’t escalate.
Some people find it difficult to raise disagreements at all and that can create an inner conflict leading to stress and in some cases illness.
Where Do Our Views on Conflict Come From?
Whether or not disagreements are raised and how the conflict is experienced is often influenced by our childhood:
What were the patterns around conflict in your family?
What messages (explicit or implicit) did you receive about expressing different opinions?
Did it feel safe to disagree?
How did family members react?
How does that play out in your relationships right now?
Recognising When Conflict Becomes a Problem
Mostly we think of conflict as arising from unresolved differences. It can leave people feeling irritated or frustrated and emotionally and/or physically hurt. It can become more personal - less about issues and can escalate in a way that impacts wellbeing.
To help navigate conflicts constructively it can be useful ask yourself the following questions:
What are we arguing about? Is it really the topic of this conversation right now or something unresolved from the past
Whose problem is this? Am I taking responsibility for something that belongs to someone else?
What are my needs in this situation? To be heard and acknowledged? To find a compromise? To know my partner (or other family member) still cares?
What are my options and choices here? Do nothing? Walk away? Agree to discuss again at another time? Talk to someone else to get a different perspective? Apologise? Re-state your position and what is non-negotiable?
By way of example, if one of you has strong views about spending time with your family, does your partner know? How much time would be ok? And is this flexible or not? If you know you need to get 8 hours sleep before work and your partner wants to stay out late, have you agreed what will happen if you want to leave, and your partner doesn’t?
The Role of Communication in Resolving Conflict
Differences of opinion and being able to express these in a relationship is an important part of increasing levels of intimacy and connection. Being able to disclose how we feel to a partner can be a pathway to greater understanding and closeness, but the timing of this disclosure is important. It may need to happen when temperatures are less high and there is a receptiveness to listening and understanding each other’s perspectives.
To do that, we must feel safe, both physically and emotionally and know how to look after ourselves if we are feeling threatened or vulnerable. After an argument for example, the reconnection process can be both illuminating and healing, but only if it feels safe to share vulnerabilities, including what you were hoping your partner could hear and why the topic felt so difficult to discuss.
Recognising Red Flags in Conflict
While disagreements are normal, some conflicts cross the line into harmful territory. Reg flags might include:
Controlling behaviour that limits choices and actions.
Threats, intimidation or escalating verbal abuse.
Ongoing and escalating conflict which impacts mental and/or physical health of adults and/or children.
Knowing When to Seek Help
If you’re finding yourself in conflict situations which are making you or others feel unsafe, it’s important to take action. Seeking support can be one option, (perhaps from a trusted friend, professional counselling, or an external service). The following services might be of help:
Respect
Freephone 0808 802 4040
Website: https://www.respect.org.uk/
A confidential and anonymous helpline for anyone concerned about their violence and/or abuse towards a partner or ex-partner.
Men’s Advice Line
Phone: 0808 801 0327
Website: https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
Advice and support for men experiencing domestic abuse.
Galop - National LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline
Phone: 0800 999 5428
Website: https://galop.org.uk/