Progressive Consent in Intimate Relations

I want to acknowledge some of the ways people manage their sexual and intimate lives whilst offering a few ideas moving forward. I will say that, if it’s not broken, there is absolutely no need to fix it, however as time passes and the natural ebb and flow transforms the relationship, why not embrace the opportunity to explore new ways of being within the intimate realm. 

Shifting Perspectives on Consent

It wasn’t that long ago when the word consent was almost entirely associated with rape. Both men and women prioritised penetration and male ejaculation, and embarrassment kept people trapped within these expectations. Which meant for many, sex could be like stepping into a car with no brakes and no way to easily stop without creating disruption, difficulty or confrontation. It wasn’t that people didn’t enjoy it, but the experience often felt out of control. As you can imagine sometimes (typically) a woman wasn’t always in the mood. So it’s no surprise that tired excuses involving headaches were once the norm when people wanted to refuse sexual invitations, And so the sex lives of the nation lurked in a limbo between hopefulness, frustration and unmet expectations.

Before going further I need to mention the world’s longest standing budget Viagra, or as it’s commonly known, booze. Alcohol is an age old social lubricant and continues to be a major factor in sexual expression, misconduct and pregnancy worldwide, and has been for centuries. This is because affection and sexual connection crosses the touch barrier, and our intricate social codes; so intimate contact is not just hard to stop, it can also be hard to start. That’s yet another difficulty in negotiating this territory. On every side we are cornered by fragile egos, misunderstanding and potential embarrassment; but also hampered by unhelpful societal misdirection, stilted by awkward conversation, and/or fuelled by chemical dis-inhibitors. If it wasn’t this way, I wonder if porn could have taken such a firm hold of our sexual imagination, with its easy access and compelling content.

Breaking the Cycle of Miscommunication

Not every nation shares these difficulties nor does everyone need a nudge to use language to express the ways they like to feel loved and connected, but if we kiss our partner lovingly or touch them intimately our intention can, rightly or wrongly, be misinterpreted. That misunderstanding is, I believe, the nub of it; because nobody has any idea if this intimate offering includes consent.

In addition I have to ask myself, is the idea of consent explicitly the acceptance of penetrative sex? The result of this ambiguity can mean that we don’t kiss, hold, touch or stroke our partners as much as we would like to because of the fear of rejection, or of the fear of being misunderstood. Nor do we accept our partners intimate advances, because there’s no road markings or speed limit, the destination is unclear, we have memories of the car getting out of control or breaking down, and we can be reluctant to continually criticise our partner’s confusing delivery or driving style. 

In an added layer of difficulty, and a move away from metaphors, many women connect into their sensual desire through stroking and petting in a playful exchange that comes without obligation. Of course men can also be like this. For men too can need to feel engaged and safe and desired in order to avoid performance anxiety, and to encourage sexual arousal. So the erosion of sexual confidence matched with resentments can actively diminish affectionate contact leading many towards sexless relationships; in a tangle of rejection, resignation, fear and despair culminating in a giving-up.

Building Intimacy Through Communication

For myself and my clients I am advocating a very different way of being around sex that’s for everyone at every stage in their romantic relationship. This way could be described as Progressive Consent. It begins with an informal agreement anchored in the answers to the following questions:

•  Can I touch you affectionately now without the assumption being made that I’m offering you full consent to penetrative sex? Or/and

• Can you touch me in particular ways and not make the assumption that this is foreplay leading to a passionate full-blown sexual encounter? Or/and

• Can we kiss and stroke and pet and touch and squeeze each other and that be our expression of love without the assumption that we are offering further consent? Or/and

• Can I ask you to accept my consent but just for one, two or even three levels of intimate expression on the basis that it might lead to another level, but it might not?

If we also throw in “is this okay?” we can create pauses, a sense of safety, and build a quiet confidence that we are welcome within our partner’s personal space.

A New Way Forward

I understand that this idea proposes mini conversations, however they are intimate and sensitive conversations that can culminate in a deepening loving connection. More than that, once we have entered into the realms of tender expression there’s nothing stopping us from other mini conversations that aim to touch our partners intimately, affectionately and sensually. The picture I’m trying to describe is one where that feeling of powerlessness, unease and frustration is ushered out by a ‘to and fro’ of collaborative progressive consent. So I invite anyone and everyone from today to ask their partner “can I kiss and/or hug you right now, not more than that?” Only proceeding or escalating the interaction with the invitation to do so.

Contact us to find out how counselling can help you improve intimacy with your partner.